A quiet noise in the hallway, Olga looks out of the kitchen and sees her eldest son, throwing off his sneakers, walking down the corridor. It is useless to say hello: he has already left and will not hear. Click: the door to his room closed, loud music sounded from behind it ...

All this means that 15-year-old Anton has returned from school, where he spent most of the day. Olga sighs: “And so every day. We play silent. Silent in Seattle ... Wow: in a year he grew by 15 centimeters and lost 90% of the words that he once knew! If during the day we hear “Hello”, “Dinner soon?” and “Switch to football”, there is a holiday in the house.”

However, Olga is still lucky: some teenagers do not communicate with their parents for two or three weeks... Developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya often hears such stories.

“Adolescents are loaded with their experiences, their own rapid growth, restructuring in the body. Focused on himself and his internal problems, the child moves away from his parents. That is why a couple of questions about dinner, TV or a computer are already a lot, especially if behind them there is a desire to reassure parents, to tell them that everything is in order.

Why is this happening?

Starting from the age of 12–13, adolescents gradually move away from their parents: they prefer communication with peers. Such a model of behavior has arisen relatively recently, as well as the very concept of "transitional age" - the time of transition (often difficult) from childhood to adulthood.

“Of course, the conflict of generations has always existed,” says Galina Burmenskaya. “But life was still different, teenagers needed more joint efforts with their parents: they relied on them in household affairs and in raising younger children.” During the 1960s and 1970s, a separate teenage and youth culture emerged with its main attribute, rock music.

The isolation of a teenager is the other side of the storm that rages inside him

“Music has supplanted words: instead of relationships with parents, young people began to build relationships with their time first,” notes sociologist Michel Fiz. In addition, the burden of household chores has become much easier thanks to home appliances, and therefore there is almost no real need to involve teenagers in the domestic side of life.

A mobile phone, TV, game consoles, a computer with the Internet in a teenager's room “expand the moat separating children from their parents,” believes Galina Burmenskaya. “Adults inevitably lose their authority and significance, but peers with similar problems, questions and interests can understand and share each other’s experiences.”

Reclaim your right to privacy

In itself, the child's unwillingness to communicate with us is not a reason to worry. The isolation of a teenager is the other side of the storm that rages inside him. It is difficult for him to put into words everything new that is happening to him.

“The body changes, the perception of what is happening, past views are criticized, and finally, for the first time, he seriously falls in love ... Sometimes a child is so focused on the problem that he is simply not ready to discuss it. Or maybe he is shy or afraid that he will blurt out something that concerns him alone, ”explains Galina Burmenskaya.

To grow up, to build himself, a teenager needs a screen that separates him from his parents. Behind her, he cannot be unraveled, and then his “I”, inaccessible to other people's opinions, will be able to mature, based on his own experience, his own decisions and mistakes.

“Parents want the teenager to be transparent to them, to obey them without fail. They do not just talk to him, but try to influence, achieve, criticize ... and are surprised that communication does not add up, - says Galina Burmenskaya. - When adults explain in a fit of their own rightness, “how it is right” and “how it should be”, they cause fierce resistance of the teenager, because they deprive him of his life, his sense of self.

At this age, he begins to try a lot, experiences a lot of inconvenience, delight and uncertainty ... But this "flight" is interrupted when mom and dad begin to "teach how to live." It turns out that silence in most cases is just a way of coexistence, preserving oneself and relationships with others.

There is no need to constantly try to delve into the conflicts of a teenager, to get information from him at any cost

Speech is the area where the adult is always stronger: the child adopts the language from the parents, learns to speak in dialogue with them, wants to separate from them, using the words accepted in his circle. But we want to keep in touch with our growing son or daughter. What is the best way to build communication?

By the way, Anton, Olga's son, does not consider himself a silent man at all. “It's not true that I don't talk to my mother, I just don't want to tell her about everything. And I don’t like it when our conversation suddenly becomes like an interrogation, and even with accusations ... What can I do? Just keep quiet - it's easier to avoid showdowns. But I get on well with my friends and even with their parents.”

This is quite natural: an “outsider” adult does not take his actions (appearance, judgments) to heart, he is more restrained, delicate, does not condemn and does not require frankness ... That is, he does not do what our children do not like so much.

When is it time to worry?

“It is important to maintain good relations with friends of a son or daughter,” Galina Burmenskaya is sure. - If there is a cause for concern, you can ask one of them what is happening to him (her) ... "The situation is much more alarming when a teenager stops communicating even with friends, rejects what he loved before ...

If this is prolonged, the help of a psychologist may be needed. How do you tell a teenager about this? So, in order not to offend him: invite the child to go to him on his own (“You are already an adult and can handle it yourself”) or sign up for a consultation together, telling him that you are worried about your mutual alienation. In addition, adults also have a lot to learn: for example, active listening skills.

“They are indispensable for everyday successful communication. Active listening means “returning” to the interlocutor what he told you, naming his feeling, says psychologist Julia Gippenreiter in the book “Communicate with a Child. How?". - “You are upset and angry”, “You don’t like going to school”, “You don’t want to be friends with those who offend you.” By indicating that you hear him and do not leave him alone with his own experiences, you give him the opportunity to speak out and find his own solution to a difficult situation.

keep quiet together

Let the silence of teenagers be quite natural, but what about parents? What will help us to keep in touch with those who elude us in silence? You should not look for verbal communication at any cost, sometimes joint classes are enough: “I see you don’t want to talk now, let’s just drink coffee (we’ll go to the cinema, cook something for dinner).”

The ability to talk to each other is not just the ability to pronounce words. This is the ability to organize the life of the family in a special way: trustingly, openly, benevolently. After all, in such a family they not only tell, but also listen.

No, we are no longer number one. Now they need freedom, independence, conversations with peers

The taciturn Anton admitted that he likes to travel with his father on all sorts of business and talk about anything, but not about personal things ... You can also recall other family stories: 13-year-old Marina does not like to share news with her mother, but enjoys watching TV shows with her or sits next to her in the kitchen when she prepares dinner. 14-year-old Ilya and Liza every week happily go to the pool with their parents...

So growing children still need us? Yes and no. Yes, it is very important for them to be sure that their parents love them and are always ready to help if they ask for it. No, we are no longer number one. Now they need freedom, independence, endless (real and virtual) conversations with their peers. And our task is to balance on a fine line, being interested in their life, but not imposing our assessments. Listening to their silence, which tells us: "Let me go, but do not leave!" Let's not delude ourselves: this is easier said than done.

Books on the topic

• “Communicate with the child. How?" Julia Gippenreiter, Astrel, 2010.
• "How to talk so teenagers will listen and how to listen so teenagers will talk" Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish, Eksmo, 2011.
• "Pedagogy for All" Simon Soloveitchik, First of September, 2000.

Far from many families have an upbringing according to the principle: "A child is everything." A very common mistake of parents is to constantly put pressure on the child and impose their will on him: this can be done, but this cannot be done. Parents use authoritarian parenting strategies that do not allow the child to show their independent voice or sense of responsibility for their own decisions.

Other parents, on the contrary, practice permissiveness. Research shows that both extremes negatively affect children's ability to control their emotions and form healthy relationships with adults. The best type of parenting is fairness, flexibility, respect for your teenage child and constant education, not terror to achieve your goal. You need to listen and respect the opinion of the child, allowing him to make choices, but at the same time set fair and clear limits in order to maintain order in the house. This article will show you how to avoid ineffective ways of communicating when parenting with teens.

Mistake #1. Too much chatter

When parents speak more and more, and in a sharp demanding tone, children stop listening and perceiving them. Researchers have shown that the human brain can only perceive two theses at a time and store them in its short-term memory. In practice, it takes about 30 seconds - that is, one or two phrases of the parents.

When mom or dad gives several instructions at once in one message, the child will eventually get confused and will not understand anything from parental teachings. In addition, if the tone of the parents is anxious, harsh or demanding, the child has anxiety and doubts in the subconscious. He does not want to comply with such requirements.

“This month you can sign up for boxing, besides, every day you have to wash the dishes, and it’s too early for you to go to kickboxing. The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you must help your mother clean the apartment.

Do not give your child all the information at once. It is best to break it into separate blocks so that this information is more digestible. Let the teenager express his opinion on one issue, and then you can move on to the second.

Effective Conversation Example

1. "This month you can sign up for boxing, but it's too early for you to go to kickboxing. Do you agree?"
2. "Every day you have to wash the dishes after you, because mom gets tired after work, save her and your time. What do you think about this?"
3. "The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you have to help your mother clean the apartment. Do you have any plans for the day after tomorrow, 15:00?"

In this example, the parents in each block limit the conversation to two sentences, which makes the comprehension much easier. In addition, there is a reasonable dialogue, and not a one-sided dictate of parents. Finally, the child agrees to cooperate voluntarily, and not under pressure, while taking into account his needs.

Mistake #2. Reproaches and constant criticism

Most parents are familiar with the situation when a child has to wake up for a long time in the morning, or he scatters his things around the apartment, or comes home from school at the wrong time. And then they use an effective, in their opinion, technique: they complain about the bad attitude of a teenager or sharply criticize him. In fact, this only makes the situation worse: you give teenagers a reason to ignore you, because every day you do not get tired of repeating the same thing to the child, and in the most disgusting tone.

Poor Conversation Example

"I woke you up an hour early because you can never get ready on time. You need to get dressed right now. Show me your diary so I can sign it.

Ten minutes later.

"I told you to get dressed and give me the diary. And you're still going! You'll be late and I'll be with you! Go brush your teeth and get your clothes ready"

In ten minutes.

"Where's your diary to sign? I asked you to bring it? And you haven't finished getting dressed. We're definitely going to be late."

This parent gives too many diverse tasks to the child, and everything needs to be done immediately and immediately. This does not allow the teenager to cope with the situation. Because every 10 minutes the parent urges him, introducing anxiety and panic into the collection process. This is the so-called “nurture helicopter”, which can lead to insecurity, overdependence of a teenager on the commands of his parents. The tone of the parental message is negative and intrusive, which leads to discontent and resistance of the teenager or his passive aggression.

Effective Conversation Example

“We have 45 minutes left before leaving for school. If you don’t have time to get ready and give me a diary to sign, you will explain your lateness to the teachers yourself.”

This is a brief instruction that makes it clear what the parent expects from the child and what are the consequences of not completing the task. The parent does not judge the child, does not try to control him, and does not create situations of anxiety and panic. The parent allows the teenager to be responsible for their own behavior.

Mistake #3. "Shame on you!"

One of the most difficult ideas for parents is that children do not have empathy for their needs. Children develop their empathy (the tendency to empathize) slowly as they mature. That is why the expectations of parents that their children will sympathize with them and help them in everything are far from always justified simply because of the peculiarities of the psychological development of adolescents.

They are still just kids - they don't take your side and put themselves in your place, but they are focused on having fun in the moment. Most parents emphasize that their children are selfish and only care about themselves. Basically, that's the way it is. This can lead to dissatisfaction of parents when children do not want to help them with something. At such moments, it is important to calm down, take a deep breath, and then in a calm tone express your wishes and request to the child, what exactly you need help with now. If you let your emotions run wild, it will make your communication with your teenager ineffective.

Poor Conversation Example

"I've asked you several times to tidy up my room - and what do I see? Things are scattered all over the floor. Can't you see that I'm on my feet all day, I take care of the family, and you do nothing. Now I have to clean your room instead of relaxing after work. Shame on you, why are you so selfish?

This parent creates a lot of negative energy. We can all be disappointed in the behavior of another, but blaming a teenager is disrespectful. He hears a subconscious challenge due to the phrase “You are an egoist!”, And this is very harmful to the psyche and self-esteem of the child. Gradually, dad or mom inspire him that something is wrong with him. Children pick up and absorb these negative labels and begin to see themselves as "not good enough", "selfish". Humiliating or shaming a child is very harmful, because it can form negative emotions and a bad opinion of the child about himself.

Effective Conversation Example

"I see that your room is not cleaned, and this makes me very upset. It is important for us that the apartment is in order, so that we all enjoy living here. All the things scattered around the room will have to be sent to the pantry tonight. You can take them back when you clean your room."

This parent clearly communicates their feelings and needs to the teenager - without anger or blame. It explains the clear but not overly punitive consequences of the adolescent's behavior and provides an opportunity for the child to rehabilitate. This does not create negative motivation in a teenager and does not make him think that he is bad.

Mistake #4. "I can not hear you"

We all would like to teach our children to respect other people. The best way to do this is to develop respectful and caring behavior on our part. This will help the teenager understand the meaning of respect and empathy and teach them effective communication skills. In many cases, it is the hardest thing for parents to hear a child because children often interrupt them. In this case, it's okay to tell your child, "It's hard for me to hear you now because I'm cooking dinner, but I'll be ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes." It's better to schedule a clear time for communication with your child than to listen halfway or not at all. But remember that it is difficult for a teenager to wait a long time, because they may forget what they wanted to say, or they will not be in the right mood.

Poor Conversation Example

In response to the teenager's story about his grades at school, the parent replies: “Imagine. They still scored that goal!”

Effective Conversation Example

"I'm ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes, as soon as I finish watching football."

Talking to a teenager is a subtle art. But it can be mastered simply by being attentive to your child. And you will definitely succeed.

Raising children, spending time and energy on them, giving them love, we sincerely believe that our offspring will be obedient, kind and attentive to us. In fact, teenagers, who yesterday, as kids, so needed our society, today do not want to spend their free time with us and take everything we say with hostility. They drive us off the pedestal, because they are sure that they know more than we do. And now it is so difficult for us to "fit" into their lives.

Let's see why our girls from little princesses with curls, pigtails, dolls and bows turned into loose, sullen teenagers.

And the girl is ripe

The crisis of adolescence is the most difficult, because any person at this time experiences the so-called "I-identification". During these years, for the first time in our lives, we realize ourselves, our character, we try to understand and feel our place in society. For the first time we think about the questions why we came into this world and what we want from life. Add to this the first loves, mostly unrequited, school workloads, worries about their appearance and status among their peers - and you get a cocktail of emotions that a teenager is not always able to "digest".

From the age of 12, girls begin to move away from their parents, and this is normal. If earlier the parental opinion was unquestioning and authoritative, now all the statements of mom and dad are being questioned and challenged. Advice, teachings and instructions no longer have their former strength. The well-known law “the force of resistance is equal to the force of pressure” begins to work. Coming into conflict with society, which is natural for a teenager, the girl considers her parents to be the main representatives of this society. The relationship between mom and dad (not to mention their lifestyle, choice of professions ...) is also criticized. “And how can these people advise me something?!” - the girl is sincerely indignant.

As a teenager, the world is turned upside down. What was valuable in childhood is now depreciating (but this is temporary!). Everything related to parents, upbringing, falls just into the category of unnecessary. But it is during this difficult period that girls develop a system of values ​​with which they will continue to live. And if you leave a teenager alone now, the consequences can be unpredictable.

Mom's emotions

Mothers also perceive the behavior of teenage girls painfully. Probably after another scandal due to unfinished lessons, late returns home, choice of clothes (friends, musical tastes ...) mothers do not understand what they deserve such an attitude and when it will all end ...

"What is my mistake?" mothers ask themselves. The fact that they continue to perceive a teenage daughter as a child, or that they gave her complete freedom too early, and now for some reason they are trying to limit her. In that they show their emotions to their daughters (resentment, weakness, tears ...). After all, teenagers tend to experience both aggression directed at their parents and a strong sense of guilt for their negative emotions. Or that they do not show any emotions and remain "iron ladies" in conversations with their daughters. It turns out that any action of parents can be perceived by a teenager as extremely painful, can hurt even more, can push away, make one doubt or get annoyed. But the world of a teenager now has already become incredibly fragile and unstable.

Relationship Models

In addition, the girl's perception of her mother's words is greatly influenced by the relationship model chosen by her mother. So, if an authoritarian management style has developed in the family (“as mother said, so it will be”), then all the emotions suppressed earlier in the girl will find a way out - in aggressive behavior, total disobedience and the desire to do everything in defiance.

If the mother chose the strategy “my daughter is an adult and knows everything herself” when her daughter was still a baby, then now, at a transitional age, the girl will begin to follow this rule with might and main. And it will be oh so difficult to prove to her “who is in charge in the house”.

Mothers who are too attached to their daughters are sure to suffer the most, because the desire to walk hand in hand with their daughter all her life is detrimental to both.

The most optimal way of interaction before and during adolescence is a trusting relationship in which the daughter is not afraid to tell her secrets to her mother, is not afraid of punishment and knows that she can find support from her mother.

Do you know who teenagers listen to and whose opinion is really important to them? Friends opinion. So take advantage of the fact that your world has been built for a long time, and the world of your child is only in the process of becoming. Give your daughter support, be her friend. Be interested in her music, hobbies, passions, but without fanaticism. Do not condemn for this or that choice, you probably know for yourself that condemnation is repulsive. Keep advising, pointing out mistakes - just using humor, lightness, showing love.

Do not be upset every time your daughter refuses to communicate. And do not show her the extent of your grief. Trying to play on guilt, we most often lose.

Read psychological literature about the characteristics of adolescence - the more we understand, the less we fear.

And do not despair, the turbulent stage of growing up will end, and your relationship will definitely get better. Be patient.

Personal opinion

Yuri Kuklachev:

Children should be talked to, they should be your friends. Respect the child, do not allow yourself to humiliate him. Otherwise, everything will end with the fact that the child will grow up and say: “Come on, commander, I won’t go to visit you.”

Features of adolescence

Adolescence is a time not only of growing up, but also of the first independent assessments of what is happening around a teenager. If most children used to be guided by generally accepted assessments and opinions, then in adolescence everything changes beyond recognition.

First of all, a teenager wants to find out “what and how” for himself, so they become independent, rude and protected from the slightest interference of parents in their lives. But at the same time, they become vulnerable and helpless in many life situations, and therefore strive to unconditionally imitate those who are respected and valued.

It is this contradiction that frightens parents, because they are afraid that they will not be able to cope with the bad influence on the teenager or will not be able to save him from any trouble, which the teenager himself perceives as outside interference, pressure, humiliation and encroachment on his freedom.

The result of such behavior is conflicts, quarrels, scandals and insults, although they might not have happened if the parents tried to find a common language with their child. And it's possible. You will learn how to do it better from this article. But remember that in order for these tips to really help you, try to listen carefully to them.

Things to remember when talking to teenagers

Many people think that during adolescence, a child deteriorates on its own and becomes stubborn, but this is not so. In fact, all the difficulties of adolescence do not appear on their own, but are the result of earlier education. By the beginning of adolescence, the child has already formed as a person. Therefore, any attempts to re-educate him are useless. This should have been done before.

If you stop educating him with prohibitions, spankings and morals (all that you used before), then you will already take the first step towards a teenager. Remember that now it is too late to educate him. So no rudeness, prohibitions and punishments. It's time to build a relationship with your child in an adult way. Parents should also pay attention to the contradictions between aspirations and real life skills of a teenager.

On the one hand, a teenager strives to feel like an adult and does everything for this. But, on the other hand, he himself feels a lack of experience in some important area for himself. This is where the imitation of some idol is born, and, in the parental view, not the most worthy. But this is the area that can become the beginning of mutual understanding between a teenager and his parents, if they begin to cooperate with him.

To begin with, you need to analyze what aspirations of a teenager are hidden behind the imitation of this or that idol and in what areas of life he wants to fill in the gaps. For example, girls imitating flamboyant actresses and singers may reflect the search for their femininity or the desire for a beautiful, rich and free life. If a girl is looking for herself, then do not forbid her to paint, but teach her to dress fashionably and use cosmetics. Tell her what is attractive about her and she will be grateful to you for it.

If she wants to sing, do not interfere with her desire, but find a good pop vocal teacher who will help her appreciate and develop her abilities.

And remember that many joys of life, such as the first kiss under the moonlight, declarations of love written on asphalt with paint, poems and notes can only be in youth! Therefore, do not deprive your child of these pleasures, which happen only once in a lifetime.

Do not disturb the child with endless calls, checking the diary and endless questions. The more you interfere, the stronger the teenager will have a desire to go against you. But it's also not worth it not to take any part. It is important to show your teenager that you appreciate, love and respect him. And the most important secret: he must understand that you only wish him well in his personal life. And then the teenager will rather listen to your advice and words.

So, you have been raising your baby for a long time. At first, this little lump snuggled up to you every minute. At the time, he needed it. Physically and energetically. Dad and mom are heroes, main defenders, entertainers, buyers, substitutes for everything and everyone.

New heroes began to appear in the senior group of the kindergarten: Mitya's father - he is a motorcyclist, Spider-Man - he is cool, Ivan Petrovich - he is my coach. You have already gradually become heroes one-tenth less. Did not notice? OK.

Moving on, elementary school. Now the main ones are the teacher, friend Seryozhka, friend Masha! Mom and dad do not know how to pass the level in Minecraft and how the kitten laughs on the phone. Mom and dad only want good grades and strictly control it. But laughing together was no longer so important. Not so quivering are hugs. And not so often you want this, as in three years. You parents are only half heroes.

Photo by GettyImages

And then comes the 5-6th grade, 10-11 years old. The child begins to understand that the world is huge and unknown. There is only one hero "half": mom or dad. This is fine. The world is not enough for two. And the invisible umbilical cord that binds you and the baby is getting longer and more transparent. There is a desire to show or hide your world: scream about yourself or withdraw.

But you, dear parents, are not yet ready for this. It is they who grow slowly for you, but for themselves they grow quickly. And then comes the nasty, nasty and military puberty.

Nikitka began to snarl, I can't force him to do anything.

Yesterday Sasha disrupted the lesson!

Sonechka was such a nice child, now she argues to the point of hoarseness.

I can’t drive to swim and brush my teeth, just with a fight!

Danil told me that he hates me, it's a nightmare!

Now let's take a look at why this happens and why a teenager is a reflection of our actions.

If the child did not have the so-called difficult, adolescence period, then you have correctly formed a relationship with him.

First: the child does not rebel, he asks you to refuse sanctions

Imagine your Masha, Dasha, Arishka or Yegorka is a new huge republic. In the head - the government, young, inexperienced, but terrible smart. And this republic is part of your country. Yes, yes, you are a hypothetical PAPAMAMALANDIA. Anything before that doesn't count. You yourself raised the republic and gave it rights and laws. The laws are general. You still think that a child has no rights, but only responsibilities. The child has already given himself rights. And there's nothing to be done. You defended him, you said out loud: “Yes, the teacher has no right to say that, who invented it to mock children like that, the child is a person!” We do not discuss now what is right and what is not. Rights received. On one's own. Because it is important for a child of 12-15 years old.

And what is happening in this new republic in a huge country? The Republic is trying to live. As he knows how, as he was taught before, and he does something contrary, in a different way, he comes up with new laws and shouts about rights. What do the celestials (i.e. parents) do? They have lived their lives, they know a lot, they are always right.

• Everything has been built in a big country, and you are still building.
• In a big country there is a law, and you are breaking it.
• In a large country, everyone has calmed down: there is no need to get enough sleep at night and tear all your strength to draw wall newspapers for school, there is no need to compete, as in elementary school.

Photo by GettyImages

And then there's the riot! And the main ones are imposing harsh sanctions: the republic is still small, but it has so much to develop, it does not have time, it will not succeed, it must be fenced off, taken away, banned. We have all learned history. What will happen next? Revolution.

How to(should): accept the new government with its great potential. I'll tell you a secret: most adults are no smarter than teenagers, because the accumulated internal barriers often prevent them from living on their own. And these gestalts are automatically transferred to children. Yes, we are limited, deal with it. Experience is not always a guarantee of wisdom. Your own republic has chamomile fields of opportunity! There is not yet this “I know how this will end!”, There is “I wonder how this can end?”, And there are always millions of options.

I want to clarify that we are not talking about potentially dangerous things in the life of a teenager (we strictly and immediately limit this). Let the realization come that the five-year-old kissing you every minute is no more. And if not, you need to change yourself, not the child! It's not us who have changed. It is he who has changed. It is difficult for him, he does not understand, sometimes it hurts him. And, no matter how he shouts and quarrels with you, do not impose sanctions, expand his republic within yourself.

Second: if a teenager freaks out, conflicts with you ... it means that he lacks your love!

Most parents believe that it is important for a child to be understood. The teenager shouts: “Yes, you don’t need to understand me, love me the way I am, I don’t understand myself either.”

The roles have already changed, but you did not notice.

• Now he communicates with you like an adult. And let the father scream in his hearts that something has grown, but the brains do not. Everything has grown. Little is left of the child.
• Rethink your roles in the family. If something could be allowed with a ten-year-old, now it’s impossible! Do you remember how six years ago you squatted down to talk to your crying daughter? Now you should do the same, only communicate in the role of "adult - adult".
• When a child freaks out, he tries to shout: “I have changed, love me in a new way!” It means that